my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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