My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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