You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
