One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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