Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
