I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i think i have two assholes
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
