my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
