just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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