I puked a lego.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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