Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
