clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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