You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
