look no pants
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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