I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My ATM looks so different sober.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
