you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
