The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
