she woke up with a sticky ear
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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