Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Randomize
