well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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