My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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