the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
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