Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize