I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
