My room smells like vodka and shame
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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