is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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