So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
