I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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