I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize