you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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