Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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