see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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