my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
