I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
