I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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