The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
