the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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