Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
