Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
