Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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