it was like his penis was on wheels.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
