I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
