Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
