Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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