i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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