I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
