The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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