She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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