He kissed a someone with a penis
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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