I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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