Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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