This is not my ceiling
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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