If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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