i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
