Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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