I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
